A Really Great Hair Day
I was having a really great hair day… the kind of day that makes hair-washing night worth it.
For the men in the audience (the ones who aren't married or in a serious relationship): you know nothing of the trials and tribulations of a woman's hair-washing routine. But believe me — #truth — we schedule it.
I was praising my ritual. All that masking and scalp cleaning. Just the right amount of conditioner and voluminous product. Light on the heat tools. Wearing those stupid silk rollers to bed with a wrap to keep the damage at bay. Praise be to Elyse, my hair stylist of 15 years, for getting that glitter (aka gray) taken care of at "just my temples."
Bouncy and soft. I was smiling and feeling wonderful. I didn't really dress up, but my hair looked amazing — so who cared what I was wearing anyway?
Then I stepped outside.
Then I Stepped Outside
And I remembered we live in the crook of the armpit of the United States. The humidity immediately destroyed my curl. My bounce. My shine. Poof!
I am Monica from Friends in Barbados. Hair full of "extra body from the humidity." Noooooooooo!
I immediately started cursing the universe and threw my hair into a high bun. My whole attitude about myself changed in that moment — and suddenly everything else was going downhill too.
I decided to take the scenic route to work. Then I saw all the young, skinny blondes with their shiny, sleek hair and bikini-perfect bodies, headed to the beach. And I was instantly transported back to being 16 and wishing I was blonde and thin.
What the actual F.
I had done everything right that morning. I took all the supplements. I drank the green juice (that I spent half a freaking hour preparing the day before — and make my husband drink too!). I dry-brushed. I moisturized like literally everything. I even went for a bounce on the rebounder. (If you're now wondering what the heck a rebounder is, it's a tiny trampoline. It's meant to help with lymphatic drainage, but it also makes me giggle, so now I do it religiously.)
Now I was grumpy. I was self-criticizing. And it took hours to forget about the ever-growing Monica-in-Barbados head of hair.
As the day wore on, I kept finding my imperfections. Staring at my flaws. What the F is going on with my skin? When did my eyebrows get so thin? I seriously need to fix these chunky thighs. Why am I so in my own head?
I was spiraling into self-shaming and self-loathing. And it stayed that way for days.
Does this sound familiar?
Your Body Is Just One Room in the House
Well, AI will tell you:
"Self-worth is how much value you place on yourself as a person. Negative body image is when you feel bad about how your body looks. They connect when you tie your personal value to your appearance. If you think you must look perfect to be good, your self-worth drops every time you are unhappy with your body… Think of your self-worth like a house. Your body is just one room in that house. If you believe your whole house is only as good as that one room, you will feel bad if the room gets a little messy."
I spent years criticizing my appearance and comparing myself to the thin, rich, blonde-haired, blue-eyed girls in my childhood circle.
A Lifetime of Comparison
Then I compared myself to all the sorority girls at university. They had money, connections, and friends. They were pretty in the traditional sense. I was creative. I dressed differently. I had wavy brown hair and wore very little makeup. Thick thighs and a butt. No money to speak of. I worked two jobs.
I tried going to parties. I always felt out of place. I never felt like people were real. I've always been just on the edge — between inclusive and exclusive.
I had my insecurities and my studies. An outsider. I buried myself in three degrees, worked, and had a very tiny social life. I tried to be open, but after a string of disappointing and shady friendships, I became more reclusive and started questioning my ability to know who is a good person.
(I should note — I was also sexually assaulted when I was 20 years old, and I know that further declined my self-worth and shaped my opinions about myself.)
Symbolically, my house had messy rooms, so I couldn't see the beauty in its uniqueness. And I couldn't give myself love despite the mistakes and the emotional scars.
After school, I moved to New York City. There I found some career success and a group of friends I connected with. I wasn't making a lot of money, but I was happy working for the parks department, and I was a little more adventurous. But even with all these improvements, I still couldn't give myself the credit I deserved. I quietly held the self-doubt inside. I buried the shame of the assault and the lost friendships, and pressed on. Because — F it. That's what we do, right?
Fast-forward 22 years. I'm in my mid-40s, and I still struggle with self-doubt.
Who needs bitchy friends? I am my own mean girl.
The Text at 11 a.m.
Well, recently I decided to make a change. A conscious, decisive, and healthy change.
Every day around 11 a.m., my husband texts me and tells me he loves me. Every day he says "you're beautiful" or "you take my breath away." Some form of reassurance that he loves me and finds me beautiful. No makeup. Working out. Totally NOT at my version of most beautiful. I thank him and send him kisses, knowing he means it.
And that's the worst part. I KNOW HE MEANS IT.
So why can't I give myself some credit? A little forgiveness? Some grace? Some gratitude?
I'm so lucky to have a supportive spouse. And I know many of us are not.
How You Speak to Yourself Matters
And that is why I say this: how you speak to yourself — and how you speak about yourself — matters.
When you find yourself self-criticizing, or stuck in constant self-doubt, take a moment to pause and reflect on the image you're creating in that moment.
Body image is so much more than what's in the mirror. It comes from within — that deep place inside you that is begging you to love yourself. To forgive yourself. To accept that unique house with its messy rooms and frizzy hair. To give yourself the same credit, the same love, the same appreciation that the people who truly love you give you.
It should be altruistic.
If you decide you want to make a drastic change — like losing 100 pounds because you want to be healthy — then absolutely go for it! But love yourself along the way. Accept what your body and mind are willing to give you daily, and keep pushing to be a better version of yourself, for yourself. Lose the weight, get the Botox, buy the dress or the purse — but don't do it as a band-aid. Do it because you deserve it and because it expresses who YOU are. Not who you want others to think you are.
And THAT is what will truly support you being better to others.
Wouldn't it be nice to feel connected, loved, and ACCEPTED for just being you?
Look — my Monica hair and my messy closet-mind rooms are all a part of me. I keep cleaning and rearranging my "house" daily. Sometimes it just can't be organized. And I'm always changing. And that is OK.
If you find yourself constantly criticizing yourself, your spouse, or people you don't even know — maybe it's time to take a hard look within. What are you missing that's causing you to feel this way? What is it costing you emotionally? And how would your life change if you took a moment to reframe your state of mind?
You have to "change to change." An old cliché — but you have to change, and let go of who you are, for who you want to become.
8 Tools I'm Using This Year
Here are a few tools I'm using this year to help me with this.
1.Ritual
Sticking to a health and nutrition routine, and applying conscious gratitude for my life and the people in it. I now thank my body after every workout. Thank you, legs, for getting me through that tough bike ride. Thank you, lungs, for supporting all my yelling during it. Thank you, heart and brain, for letting me push myself and make my whole body stronger.
2.Balance
Embrace downtime. Pray, play, work, sleep, eat — without guilt, anger, or judgment. If I want chocolate, I'm going to have it. Just in moderation.
3.Embrace Time
It takes time and patience to create change. Reversing years of neglected self-worth takes time. Allow it, follow it, embrace it. Don't rush.
4.Connecting to Chaos
Realizing I can't control every moment of every day, and sometimes I have to roll with the punches. This is a huge part of accepting our God-given life. I don't know what each day will hold, but I ask God to make sure I'm a positive part of it, and to grant me patience and strength.
5.Concentrated Communication
Taking time during the day to speak to myself in a positive, fair way. Accepting compliments instead of brushing them off or disagreeing. And when I catch myself slipping into self-criticism, I write it down or say it out loud. I accept how I'm feeling — and then I follow it with how I'm willing to change it. Throw that stuff out into the universe and regroup. But I will no longer dwell on it for days or keep repeating the same negativity.
6.Set Limits
Limit your engagement with social media and your phone. All that scrolling through filtered pictures and perfect lives is the LAST thing a person struggling with self-worth should be tied to. Reframe that perfection standard as unattainable, and engage only when you feel strong enough to stay disconnected from the envy. Envy will bury your progress. Remember — all that perfection people put out isn't real. They're struggling inside too.
7.Empathy
Have grace for your feelings and for others. Know that all the perfect imagery out there is just paint on the walls of the messiest of rooms. Your house is unique, and so is theirs. It doesn't mean you have to live together.
8.Find My Tribe
This means releasing relationships with people and things that no longer serve me. It's a hard one. We all grow. We all change. We all know when we have people in our lives who just don't fit. If you don't connect in a positive way — if the give and take isn't going both ways — assess why. It might be you. It might be them. Either way, focusing on yourself as you rebuild is key. Self-love is not selfish. But be kind. Be aware that others have feelings too, and probably have their own internal work to do to love themselves. Talk it out and move forward. Don't ghost. Don't criticize. Just give and receive whatever love is available in the moment.
You're Welcome in My Messy Rooms
Remember: only by embracing your own messy rooms and accepting your imperfections with love can you truly give REAL love to other people. And that's really the point of this life — building connection and community. Not everyone is meant to be a guest in your house, nor you in theirs. But if we all could give just a little more love in the world — imagine what a wonderful, messy world it could be.
Much love to everyone in our community who is absolutely killing it at this. I see you. I hear you. I FEEL how often this affects you. We will never be perfect — that's REAL life. But you are welcome in my messy rooms… because you know what? Even I need to borrow a broom sometimes.
xoxo, Ash
— Ashley C. Simpson · Real Lyfe Fitness
Frequently Asked Questions
What's the difference between self-worth and body image?
Body image is how you feel about how your body looks. Self-worth is the value you place on yourself as a whole person. The trouble starts when you tie the two together — when a bad-hair, bad-body day becomes a verdict on your entire worth. Remember the house: your body is one room, not the whole house.
Why do I still feel bad about myself even when I'm doing everything "right"?
Because self-worth isn't built by the checklist. You can do every healthy thing — eat well, work out, take care of yourself — and still lose the day to one frizzy-hair moment or one comparison, if the belief underneath is that you have to look perfect to be enough. The real work is internal, not just physical.
How do I stop comparing myself to people on social media?
Set limits. Those filtered, perfect feeds are the worst thing for anyone struggling with self-worth — and they aren't real; the people posting them are struggling inside too. Cut the scroll, and engage only when you feel strong enough to stay out of the envy.
Will losing weight or changing my appearance fix low self-worth?
On its own, no. Change your body, get the Botox, buy the dress — but do it because you deserve it and it expresses who you are, not as a band-aid for how you feel about yourself. Otherwise the number changes and the feeling doesn't.
Is it normal to still struggle with this in my 40s or beyond?
Completely. This isn't a teenage phase you age out of. The goal isn't to arrive at perfect self-love — it's to keep cleaning and rearranging your house, with grace, at every age.
When should I reach out for more support?
If the self-criticism is constant, stealing your days, or tipping into something heavier, it's worth talking to someone you trust or a professional. Reframing self-worth is real work, and you don't have to do it alone.
You Don't Have to Clean the House Alone
Real change is easier with someone in your corner. If you're ready to stop being your own mean girl and start building something that lasts — at your pace, in your real life — we'd love to help you get there.
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